Suck it, Fanboys: The Ultramarines Movie Was Good.

Oddly enough, they are painted nearly the same color as their namesake.

I'm sorry that the Ultramarines movie didn't live up to your expectations, super nerds. I have heard the podcast pundits and read the snarky half-witticisms about how you were let down by the world's first Warhammer 40,000 movie. Your ire is misplaced. The movie is really pretty good for a cartoon about xenophobic space-fascists. Maybe you should be let down by the mismanagement of our economy. Perhaps you should feel despondent over humanity's callous disregard for the environment, the impoverished, or basic human rights. But to ardently harsh on the Ultramarines movie is misguided and reveals your shallow lack of insight. 

It's not a perfect movie. The only perfect movies are Conan the Barbarian, Dawn of the Dead, and Showgirls. Ultramarines was a cartoon, which instantly causes it to lose points. Other strikes against it include: a lack of nudity, a lack of titanic mass battles à la Lord of the Rings or Star Wars, no kick-ass heavy metal during the closing credits (preferably Judas Priest or Iron Maiden), and an excess of walking around and talking. Despite those glaring limitations, the movie succeeds quite well in enough areas that it is still worth your time. And let's be honest about how your time is spent, dork-a-tron. (i.e. fewer mini-mart corndogs and more push-ups)

Face it: Chaplains kick ass.

Things that make the movie good include: getting the feel of the 41st millennium spot-on right, chainsaw swords, chaplains, and grown men arguing about who is better at jumping. At some point in a future blog-post  I will write a bit about how straight-up weird the 40k fluff is, but suffice to say there are not any real heroes in the Warhammer universe. The "good guys" willingly commit mass murder, enforce religious dogma through violence, and exterminate non-humans with nary a second thought. It's darkly humorous and thoroughly silly to the point of awesome. Compare that to the Rebel Alliance, an organization that accepts all manner of aliens and even lets them pilot their ships. Lobotomies are not condoned by Starfleet and even Charles Xavier's paramilitary militia would prefer to live in peace with their neighbors- regretfully punching bad guys in the face only when necessary. Nevertheless, Warhammer 40,000 is a delightful game for young people as the guys working in the Games Workshop stores will tell your mom.

Chainswords should be featured in more films.

Space Marines will never talk about how much they miss their wives or girlfriends. Nor will they regret having to kill anyone for any reason. They do not hope to peacefully retire when-this-blasted-war-is-over and they do not want every living creature in the galaxy to happily coexist for their mutual benefit. Space Marines would shoot Yoda the second he opened his mouth to say hello and Space Marines are not interested in hearing your opinion. Space Marines think democracy is ridiculous and believe computers are supernatural. Space Marines are not as handsome as you wish them or yourself to be. Space Marines will argue passionately about who gets to hold the banner.