Unpainted Miniatures are for Sucks

Are you one of those people who makes no effort to finish your models ? You need to get over your excuses and get to work. Warhammer 40,000 is not a game for lazy bastards. Like most video games, 40k is built around the dynamic visuals. Unpainted miniatures and unfinished models ruin that critical component of the game. Also, they make me disappointed in you and sad for your life.

Miniatures need paint, dumbass.

I understand that painting is hard. I am sure you have reasons why you don't do it. Nevertheless, let me confidently tell you that your stated reasons for showing up to a game of Warhammer 40,000 with unpainted models are complete nonsense. Those unfinished miniatures are an embarrassment to you, your friends, your family, and your progeny. Your new universal special rule is shame.

I can keep my loathing in check if you're in the middle of a project. Maybe all you have ready is your fresh-from-the-sprue, super-glued plastic chunks. That's acceptable in the eyes of the Emperor. Head out and play with pride because you have a project you're working on. Your miniatures are in an assembled state and on their way to being presentable. However, if we fast-forward one month and your miniatures are in the same state of completion they were in 30 days previous, you are a horrible person and, without a doubt, a selfish lover.

I imagine you have excuses. Explanations, maybe ? Extenuating circumstances ? 
That's nice. Let's scrutinize and mock them in order to better understand your heresy.

First lame excuse: I just don't have the time to paint. 

They complete me when I complete them.

That's understandable. Time is a precious commodity. You're a busy man. Things to do, people to see. A vibrant social life. Going to the gym. Making time with the ladies. Earning a paycheck. If a lack of time is your primary reason for not painting your miniatures, allow me to politely suggest some time management strategies. For starters, you can put away every other game and hobby you have, especially the video games. I enjoy Roller Coaster Tycoon and Wii bowling like every other hardcore video gamer out there. But given the choice between sitting on my ass gaining levels and special unlocks like some Pavlovian crack-addled monkey or patiently painting all-those-damn-orks, I will choose painting all-those-damn-orks. Video games are a time suck that reward you with all the hazards of a sedentary life- including obesity and celibacy. However, painting all-those-damn-orks is an accomplishment that will live forever in the hearts and minds of your fellow players. Your body will whither and die, but all-those-damn-orks will be placed on eBay and your work will live on in a basement or nerd's bedroom forever. You will have been granted geeky perpetuity via your painting accomplishments. On the flip side, however, you will die unremembered and unloved if you bequeath the world a shoebox full of plastic who-gives-a-fuck. Make the time to paint because your immortality depends on it. 

What are the time-sucks in your life ? Identify them and eliminate them. If you're committed to playing 40k, then sack-up and commit like a man.

Second lame excuse: I don't know how to paint well.

There was a point in time when Tiger Woods didn't know how to golf or hook up with chicks. With some practice, he's pretty good at both now. The interwebs is loaded with tutorials, tips, tricks, and step-by-step instructions on how to paint miniatures. Videos, blogs, forums. That staggering array of knowledge is just a few URL's away. If you are reading this, you are not a chimpanzee or earthworm. Thusly your brain can develop the fine motor skills required to put paint on the end of a brush and connect that brush to a miniature game piece.


I consider my painting very middlin' in quality. I'm better than some and far worse than many others. But I work at it. I started painting miniatures back in the early 1990's and have been off and on the wagon since. I first learned how to paint miniatures by reading the single-page color spread in the Battletech Rules Compendium. Assemble. Prime. Wash. Highlight. Sprinkle with terrain. Voila. My first miniatures looked sad and horrible. But they looked better than the unpainted lead hunks that came out of the blister pack. Take pride in your work, you sorry non-painting slob.


In the unfortunate event you have some motor-control issues or a total lack of talent; there are still a few options that will keep you from arriving at the gaming table with a box full of unpainted disgrace. The first option is to ask a friend for help. I have volunteered to help those less willing than I to pursue the painting arts. Find the awesome painters in your area and ask them for advice. Your friends and family certainly don't want to look at your 6x4 table of plastic pudency so they may be willing to help you out, if you ask. If they won't, then consider the second option of paying for a professional. Paying money to have someone paint your army can be expensive, but well worth it in order to show that you care for your hobby.

Time is money, so your choice between painting or working at a job to pay someone else to paint is a relatively straightforward, albeit personal, one. Consult your CPA or financial planner for advice as to which option is best for your circumstances. 



Third lame excuse: They don't have to be painted.

This rates zero on the fun scale. Just like you if you don't paint your minis.

You're right. You also don't have to brush your teeth or wear a seatbelt. But it makes life better when you do. Let's be honest: Games Workshop has built a decent game around the some great looking miniatures. Because adults playing with tiny dolls is creepy, GW wrote some rules about how they should fight. Warhammer is, quite literally, not the only game in town. Some assembly is required and if you don't want to step up, then find something else to play. 40k is a game of toy army men running around toy buildings with toy vehicles. Make your toys look nice. Do you like video games with shitty graphics ? I don't. Good visuals make the game, especially in the tabletop wargaming world. 

If you think the unpainted lifestyle is the lifestyle for you, why are spending money on the kits ? Clearly your imagination is so awesome that you could be playing the game with wooden blocks and pebbles. I like to see the crazy world of Warhammer 40,000 interpreted in acrylics. Seriously, pick another game if you don't want to paint your models.

In summary, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, but leaving your miniatures unfinished and unpainted indicates that you have failed at life.